Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
