Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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