y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
