so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize