Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
