Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
