Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
