if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
