we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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