Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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