My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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