In the future we'll all be gay
two words: eviction party
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
