i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
