the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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