Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
