I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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