everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize