If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
