My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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