I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
