Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
