I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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