Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
