I think scott just propositioned me for sex
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize