the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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