The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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