shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Two words: blizzard sex
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize