my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
