a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
