My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
