hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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