he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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