Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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