2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize