dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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