mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
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