Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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