good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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