My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Panties = found
Randomize
