"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
