i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
