Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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