shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
