Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
