His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
