i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
