we're chasing vodka with high fives
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
