I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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