If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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