3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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