I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
What did we do last night that was yellow?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
