Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
