I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize