you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I puked a lego.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize