My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
