Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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