Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Text me some of your sweat
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