I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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