I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
