im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
