I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
